Good....

Some of the best stories start with "In the beginning" and mine is no different, but my "in the beginning" starts at 35 with God speaking over me "It is good" just like he had with everything He created. However for the first 34yrs I felt I was anything but good and wore labels that had been applied to me by others, but mostly by myself. I wore whore, worthless, damaged, used up, failure, useless and crazy written out in scars across my arms, hidden under this new facade of faith that believed in Jesus, but didn't believe in the whole, beautiful gospel...

grace, forgiveness and redemption for others YES but not myself

And although I now wore mother and wife as my most prized labels, even playing with the idea that I too was redeemed I still battled with once a year breakdowns, leftover from a hurting past. Breakdowns that followed familiar patterns..

1. Freak out over something small that felt big
2. Scream and fight with the one person that loved me in spite of me
3. Feel the weight of my foolishness and be overwhelmed by the shame that I was destroying my family
4. Agree with what I was hearing in my head that I was failure, turn inward, hide in room and cut away at the tension and hurt til blood fell and I found some relief
5. Then hide it from the kids, friends, family and start another year of pretending I was ok
This sad pattern that had been played out since my teens; although with more desperate, outright attempts at taking my own life in my earlier years carried the same underlying theme...I deserve to be punished because I'm not good enough.


But on a day in August 2008 (my in the beginning) something happened that changed it all.

It started out the same, do steps 1-5, tell the kids I was sorry for the fighting and go on with our day in hopes that they would forget and so would I. So we packed up for the day with plans to go far from where I might see someone I knew, but made a quick stop at the store for me to grab something for my arm. And there in the Walgreen's is where God stepped in to say "no more" and the sweetest little girl who I had come to know working in the school called my name, ran up to me and proceeded to tell me how only weeks earlier she had witnessed a shooting at her church that left two dead. Of course I was horrified and broken for her but mostly ashamed because here I was, with a relatively perfect life, hiding a self inflicted wound while standing before me was an innocent child that had faced something completely horrific she had no control over. So in that place I mustered up whatever words I could.."I'm so sorry but remember that although there are so many bad people in the world, there are so many good too." It was a poor attempt at making her feel better.

But then..

This girl,who I'm pretty sure was Jesus in the flesh, reached up, put both her hands on my cheeks, looked me in the eyes and said...

You Nicole, you are good!! You are good. You are good.

Just like that God came in and began my story anew, writing over all my labels with one word, GOOD!
The one word that I was pretty sure everyone no one would ever use when referring to me & definitely not a word I would have used to describe myself. The one word that couldn't possibly be applied to this girl that had given herself away far too many times, the girl that had hurt and been hurt, the girl that had cheated, the girl who had taken far too many drugs and drank far too many beers, the girl that stole, the girl, now a woman, that lost control on an almost daily basis and threw out harsh words that stung the hearts of the ones she loved the most. Not me!! But He in all His mercy, saw something else. He saw His creation and He was declaring it good in spite of the evidence. He was whispering, "You might not forgive yourself but I do. You might think your worthless, but I see your worth reflected in my blood, You might think your beyond saving, but its already been done."


Now I would love to tell you that in that one moment I was healed of all the hurt inside, but it was just the beginning of the story. A story that He had been writing already but that started for me in a drug store with the hands of Jesus veiled in the flesh of a child and me coming out to my waiting husband and kids in tears, reeling at what I knew without a doubt was as close as I'm going to come to a Moses encounter with the God of the universe and feeling completely undeserving and uncomfortable in this new name.

The next day I walked into my pastor and friend's office with arms outstretched, cuts revealed, nervously saying "I don't know whats next, but I don't want to live in the dark anymore". I spoke something similar a year earlier when I had told him the parts of my story from my past. And 2 days later I would start a year and half journey of counseling that uncovered deep, deep shame and wounds I had yet to let see the light and heal. (That's a story for another day!!) In the 6yrs since Ive faced those same hurts again because shame is very sneaky, but for the most part I live in redemption, live in radical self acceptance that is born from one truth...

My Jesus, who is trustworthy and true, declared me good!!

He said that I am good because by definition good is something made for a purpose and complete, good is something made right, good is something beneficial, good is something to be desired, good is something approved of. All things that because of Him I am.

And today my worse scars are covered with the words "Psalm 103", a reminder to bestow on God (bless) all the worship and praise He is worthy of. A reminder to remember all He has done for me and a testimony to anyone who finds themselves caught up in the lie that they are beyond God's reach.

These scars that I was once ashamed of have become my greatest treasure outside of Jesus because they tell of His love. They speak of a beginning that will find its end in eternity with Him.

Him, that loved me scars and all.

And that my friends is good. Really, really good!!

Possible..

"With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

This verse was uttered deep this past week...With God the impossible becomes possible. With God relationships you thought couldn't be healed are made new. With God the terrible can be transformed into something wonderful. With God hearts are softened to just the point where they start opening to the possibilities.

But in the time between I have to keep reminding myself of this word that has laid claim on the new year. Possible. Say it louder til I believe it. Possible! Scream it from the rooftop. Possible!!

Make it my own. Let its meaning course through my veins...Able to happen.

And then hold as a reminder these words.."With man this is impossible". How well I know that. With man it gets messy. With man it becomes something it shouldn't be. With man it becomes a work of very weak flesh instead of a transforming picture of His Glory.

But with God...

It is possible that I will be healed of the fear that, "I am not good enough!!"
It is possible that this mess of a family could be the much needed healthy home to someone waiting.
It is possible that my children will walk in his truth despite me or the world around them.
It is possible that through my prayers and not my words lives would be changed.
It is possible that I would see my brother give his life to Christ and be healed of so much pain.
It is possible that patient and encouraging would become words to describe me as a mother and wife.
It is possible that we will not be tied to a debt we were never meant to carry.
It is possible that I would be known for my compassion instead of my judgement.

And it just may be possible that God has more in store for us than I could even dare imagine.

Grace for risky business....

Second blog post of the day or as I call it procrastination from what I should be doing. After writing the first post (read it here) I was reminded of something else that I wanted to share. Because in writing what I believe to be truth I somewhat failed to show God's grace. And God's grace is what its all about.

So let me share another piece of my heart, but forgive me for being a bit cryptic cause it is not totally my story to share.

See I've learned a little something about fear in the past few months. Something that led me to preach not only to who ever might be reading, but to myself as well. I learned first hand what its like to have the devil come sneaking into your house. Looking to kill, steal and destroy. Honestly he was able to do it because we had let down our guard. We had taken for granted that things were ok. That we couldnt be led astray. But in the midst of me seeking to lead others (caught in sin) to God, the devil came through the back door of my own home and threatened to lead someone in my family directly into the very sin I was seeking to bring others out of.

He sought to destroy a part of my heart by reaching in and destroying the things I hold most dear. The very things that could bring me to my knees. And let me tell you I have never felt fear like that before. I have never so quickly shut down, turned away and hid out. Satan knew what he was doing. He knew that he could quickly put an end to any good being done by attacking the things closest to me.

He did just that!! Because I turned tail and ran. I ran from what God had been doing and I didnt care whether God was telling me to do it or not. All I knew was I refused to risk my family.

But there have been consequences to my actions. A soul that needed love, but I refused to give it. Someone that was seeking God and I refused to walk with them.

Now this is where grace comes in. I know God understands that I was afraid and that just because I refused to follow doesnt mean he loves me less. He offers grace that I so often refuse to others (note the very outright self righteousness of my last post).

I also know he saw it coming as I foolishly served everyone but my own family. Because serving God doesnt mean you set your family aside. In fact you must strengthen them. You must walk it out with them before you walk it out with the world. Remember I said riskiness is not the same as recklessness. It's not your family or the world. Its your family and the world. In fact the legacy left behind from a family commited to Christ cannot be destroyed.

So the point of all this is I understand fear and I understand counting the cost and not running into things rashly. I understand that living out this risky business is no small thing. Its not from some mountain top that I say to take a risk. Its from a valley, more like a pit. Its said in the humbleness that comes from failing miserably both on the homefront and on the front lines. I have yet to walk back into that hard place and face that fear. I still shake. I still dont know how to live a risky live and to protect my family; but I'm starting to see if I had been walking closely with God the risk wouldnt have been as great. Not because their was no danger, but because we would have been equipped to handle the danger. The danger couldnt have stolen our souls. Thats grace for risky business. Grace that says your not walking alone. Grace that says you dont have to have it all figured out. Grace that says you might not get it all right, but if you risk it you want get it all wrong either.

Risky business.....

God has been really working on our hearts lately. Preparing us for something that so many call risky and Ive heard the strangest comments from some people in the faith that I felt it needs to be addressed. We so mistake what God asks from us. Thinking that God's will for our lives is something that comes in burning bushes or through some imaginary "call" and does not involve risk of any kind. We take our emotions as indicators of what we are supposed to do (if were fearful dont do it, if were not go ahead), ignoring God's clear commands.

You dont have to ask is it God's will to care for the poor, for widows, for orphans (James 1:27). It is!! God clearly says in the bible to do these things just as he tells us to love him and love others. We make such a mess of the simplest things. True this might look different to some people, but its not a waiting game. Its not a aha moment where you will know without a shadow of doubt your doing the right thing. It's not a call we receive. Everyday is a daily prayer, a daily opening of your hearts. a daily walk that leaves room for God. If you ask God to show you how to live out these commands he will show you today, not some time in the future. He does not ask us to wait til our kids are grown or our lives are more put together. We align our lives daily to God and in the process God's holy spirit is poured out, transforming us and our family in the process. 

This Christian life is risky business, but we have made a terrible assumption that God would not call us to risk our lives, risk our families. By all means count the cost, but dont assume that God would not put you and your family in situations that are risky. Everyday God sends families oversees to areas that are dangerous. Everyday all across the world just being a Christian is dangerous and families have to make the hard decision as to whether they renounce Christ or risk the lives of the very people God entrusted to their care.



Too often we love the blessings more than the God that gave them. We love the promises more than the God who has every right to fulfill those promises through painful circumstances. We see it in the life of Abraham who was told he would be the father of a great nation, that he would father a son, but Abraham started loving the promise more than his God and in the end God had to make sure that Abraham still chose him. Which thankfully he did when he laid his son (the very thing God had promised) on an altar to sacrifice him (Gen 22).


So today I sit realizing that if Scott and I choose to foster, adopt, run off to some other 3rd world country that we might not have the support of all of our family in Christ. We might have those who think we are foolish or endangering our own children. Their might be those that think we will be taking away from the kids that God gave us through natural birth. But I know this.... I serve a mighty God that enables me (through his holy spirit) to LOVE BIG. A God who will walk with my family through the risky places. A God who made us in his image (Gen 1:27); the image of a God who loves the whole world, who gave his own (natural) son for the sake of something greater, who is merciful and able.We are made in that image.


And yes there are questions and yes we have things to work out in the process. Things that God equally commands us to do such as being responsible with our finances, providing for our immediate family (1Tim 5:8), teaching and equipping the children we have now. But these things are not the final product. They are the refining process in the midst of something greater. What if our finances are handled so that were able to give more, not get more? What if my kids learn about God not by the stories we read to them every night from the bible, but by living out our own story that reflects the stories in the bible? What if we impress God's commandments on our children's hearts (Deuteronomy 6) because they are already deeply impressed upon our own?


Risky is not the same as reckless and if were not careful we will associate any risk with recklessness. We will see danger on the path ahead and choose to not to walk it.  Choose to live such safe lives that our families miss learning about a God that provides and protects. Miss learning about a God that called a nation (families, singles, elderly, infants) into a desert and then provided them with just enough to get by until they entered the promised land. Well our promised land is not a land of our own here on earth, but we live like it is. We live holding to old testament promises forgetting that their is a new convenant that promises something greater then a land of milk and honey. That's the promise I will hold on too. I will not limit our God by some false ideas that Ive created because Im scared. Because Im scared that if I bring a child with emotional challenges into our family that he/she may hurt one of my children. Because Im scared that if I travel into the heart of a 3rd world country that my children might not make it out alive.


See the persecution we see in the bible was meant to spread the gospel not stop it. When God persecuted them it was meant to take them further into the world, but we've used persecution as an excuse to make our lives smaller. We used moments in the bible where a person was warned not to go to a place because of a risk of danger as our own personal commandment. Instead of looking at it through God's eyes and seeing that he did that to expand the kingdom not supress it.

Honestly my greatest fear in moving forward is facing the fact that so many of my brothers and sisters in Christ might not actually be my brothers and sisters in Christ (Matt 7:21). Im afraid of risking relationships. Risking losing those closest to me who out of fear will not walk the hard path beside me. Risking losing a romantic view of my friends and family, but I will because following Christ is risky business. You risk losing not only your life, but everything you hold dear. You risk losing the faith you were raised with for true faith. You risk losing assumptions, security and your dreams.

(Go to my next post for grace for this risky business.)

Cry out....

Life has been about change lately and a lot of confusion. Ive been living with a lot of conflicting feelings, conflicting messages and to be honest some bitterness. Ive been making decisions weekly, but trying to pretend like I been making no decisions at all. Words like, "were just taking a break", all the while knowing that we've already moved on. Trying to hold on to two things at once because with all my heart I want to do the right thing. But if Im honest today, its not really about my fear of doing the wrong thing. I'm angry about things that I see as completely wrong. Angry for having to make these decisions to begin with.  Upset and admittedly completely lacking grace with a place I loved and really at a lost about how to move on in love.

On the other side of this is my absolute hatred for this part of myself. The part of myself that wants to be right. The part of myself that wants to be heard. Even hating that God offers me grace big enough to cover all my mess while all the while I'm failing to offer the same. Let me tell you there is nothing worse then when you have to put into practice what you preach and every part of your body is screaming, "I DON'T WANT TOO!!".

Yet what do you do? Make Christ look the fool. Make your faith seem a lie.

Or do you say that prayer, cry out to your God, "I'm angry, I don't know how to move on in love, dont even know if I'm supposed to be moving on to begin with, I don't know what to do with what I'm reading in your word and what I'm seeing all around me, I don't know how to have grace or even if I want too."

Sometimes that's all you can do when your confused, angry, upset. Cry out.

Today I am doing a lot of crying out, knowing full well he will answer.

Strange places.....

Last Christmas I went to bed in the glow of our Christmas tree; on our futon, in the living room, where we had slept for the past two years. Each of the two bedrooms in our 500 square foot house occupied by kids that had grown too big to share a room. And as I cuddled up in that bed I was thankful because I knew that we were beyond blessed. Despite not having what most would consider the American dream we had more than enough. A warm house, two cars, plenty to eat, presents under the Christmas tree.

To be honest I prided myself on being a simple person with simple needs which probably makes this year a little difficult. Sleeping in the living room of our rented house was no big deal. Having 3 pairs of jeans, 3 or 4 shirts and boots that were 14yrs old were plenty. My dumbphone on my Wal-mart bought plan that barely worked most of the time, perfect. I always considered myself to have more than enough and Haiti only made that all the more clear, but then why am I writing this?

Well a few months ago something strange started to happen. In the process of preparing and going to Haiti I also became friends with a family that was selling/giving away all their stuff to move to Haiti. I walked with them through this process.. watching them sell off belongings, move into their parents basement til they make the final move and give away the rest. Then watched as their house became our house (lease/purchase) and a lot of their stuff became our stuff (generosity on their part). I jumped in feet first to a house payment that was twice the amount we had paid and a 3 bedroom house that needed to be decorated and filled. Then I jumped into a fancy new phone contract that I believed (hopefully) will help me to better organized and maybe make the leap into some sort of business. And to top it off we got a dog.

So the point of all this is Im living in this weird place right now. On one hand God was showing me (even more clearly) the beauty of less and on the other hand I'm getting more. I'm sitting in my king size bed, in my own room, in the house of my very modest dreams, on a half acre of land, in the neighborhood Ive always loved. While my hearts screaming what are you doing, how does this fit what you know to be true and what do you do with all these conflicting messages? Luckily the only thing making me feel somewhat sane is that we found out our car (that we still make payments on) needs a new engine. So we've been limited to driving none or driving my hubbies 92' Crown Victoria thats windows don't go down in I might add. If not for this I might be freaking out fully.

Even worse I believe God brought me to this house which adds to my confusion. Although I want blame him for the iPhone. That was totally my doing which by the way terrifies me for fear that I might becoming someone I want recognize in a year. Yes I am that neurotic or as I like to call it hippie-ish. Remember I did say I prided myself on having simple taste. Now Im a smart phone carrying, house owning (somewhat), possibly dog dressing (really haven't done this yet) American. God forbid!!! 

This year I will be going to bed in our own bedroom and waking in our new house. All the while I'll be remembering those kids at the orphanage. The dirt-floored shacks and tent cities. The me I was there.. beautiful and bare. I will be questioning what this all means and where I fit? I will be getting close to saying good bye to a friend who in the months ahead will grow to have very little in common with me. And who honestly Im a little jealous of because that life seems to fit the me I want to be better.

Maybe what I will find out is that as much as I want to rush ahead, give it all way and live out this dream of who I wanted to be. God is calling me to a moderation, a middle road, that Im not sure I'm comfortable living. In the meantime I'll pray because that's all I can do and throw a pity party because that's what I do best. Kinda of funny when you think about it... American woman complaining because she got everything she wanted. Very typical (or at least it is for me).

Authenticity....

Authenticity..... a word that has become the standard by which we are judged lately. A word that has been thrown around so much that people have forgot its meaning or perhaps we have chosen to define it in a way that suits us.

What does being authentic mean?

The dictionary defines it as not fake, true, real, genuine, true to one's beliefs, pure, trustworthy and truthful.

Basically its all the things (we say) we want the most from people. We want our friends and family to be truthful. We want our churches to be real. We want our faith to be genuine, but what does that really like?

Is it genuine (authentic) to deny the very emotions that we are seeking to cast out? Is it real to pretend that everything is ok when in truth everything is falling apart? Lets face it, admitting its not o.k. might be the very thing that turns people away from you. After all people want authenticity until they have to deal with the ugliness of it. We want others to be real until they show us their darkest places and then we run from it.We want others to be themselves until we dont like what we see.

To be honest we don't want truth. We want something that fits, something that runs smooth, something that's pretty on the outside. Something that doesn't make us look at ourselves. Another standard we can judge by.

Yet isn't it true that we are both sinners and saints? Isn't the reality that pride can live right alongside humility?

For the sake of being authentic I want to lay my heart bare.It isnt pretty, but this is all of me. This is what being authentic really looks like. Its more than perfect voices, hand raised high on Sunday morning, all the right words and bible in your hand. Its more than preaching or teaching. Its the good and the bad. Its living life in the spotlight without any fear of what others may think. Its risking being real in a world that would rather you be fake. Its the whole of a person and this is the whole of me.....

• I seek God with all my heart, but I'm just as likely to turn my back on him when the fire gets too hot.
• I feel lost and insecure, but at other times I feel absolutely certain about where I'm heading and secure in the fact that he is in charge.
• I feel lonely most of the time, but I also feel overwhelmed by the amount of love I feel from others.
• I feel needy, but I also feel the need to love without anything in return.
• I want to sing with every bit of my being and I'm thankful for every opportunity I get to do it. Not because of pride, but because I'm passionate about it. I enjoy it and I enjoy the chance to step out of the boat, step out of my fear and walk on the waves.
• I sing because I want to worship God, but at times I seek to be worshipped myself.
• I'm scared of having the opportunity to sing taken away from me, but then again sometimes I feel like I should walk away from it.
• I often want to walk away from what I love because of the power it holds to hurt me.
• I'm afraid of wanting anything more than I want God.
• I waste too much time being afraid.
• I am prideful in more ways than I would like to admit.
• I am thankful and thankless.
• I want to matter, but I know that God's opinion of me is the only thing that matters.
• I want God more than anything, but I often want the world also.
• I want what God wants for me, but I cling to my own dreams as well.
• I feel certain about what God wants for me, but I am terrorized by uncertainty.
• I love others and feel less than loving too often.
• My mouth builds others up and tears others down. Sometime within a second of each other.
• I get angry and I get remorseful for being so angry.
• I am real and I can be fake; usually with myself more than others.

There it is, this is authenticity. Authenticity is about being totally exposed before God and others. Its about risking it all, because your faith is not in others its in God. Its about taking a chance in sharing all of yourself, not just the presentable parts. Most importantly its about being authentic with yourself because here's the truth of it... Its easy to recognize pride in others and miss it as it runs rampant in ourselves. Its easy to say its not about me, its all about Jesus; then get caught up in your own vision which has very little to do with Jesus. Its easy to be deceived by something or someone that looks good, but not recognize it as the devil slithers his way into position.

All in all when it comes down to it. Its too easy to live your life seeking authenticity in others and find out you were less than authentic yourself.

When the opportunity presents itself.....

"And when the devil had finished tempting Jesus, he left him until the next opportunity came." Luke 4:13

No matter where you are on your spiritual journey the opportunity will always present itself for the devil to tempt you. No degree of knowledge or measure of age will keep you from the reach of temptation. It is another one of the constants in this life.... death, taxes and temptation.

No cunningness can outwit his attacks. No moral life, no matter how outstanding, is able to withstand his onslaught. We might for a season believe we have overcome only to find out that the devil is far more patient than originally thought. He has stood the test of time and will not give up until God himself brings him to a stop. Even Jesus himself knew that he was not free of his temptation. He had won one battle in a never ending war.

Of course we know that in the end Jesus will be victorious. The only question is will we?
Will we stand the test of time?

To do that we must remain ever vigilant. Never taking for granted the price he paid. Never giving in to the temptation of complacency which is the devils greatest weapon. We must stand upon the word as if our life depended on it, because a victorious life can only be won day by day. We must stand in the shadow of the cross and claim the reward which is ours.

"So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you." Hebrews 10:35

To follow...

"Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to him. "Teacher", they said, "we want you to do for us whatever we ask." "What do you want me to do for you?", he asked. They replied, "Let one of us sit at your right and the other at your left in glory." (Mark 10:35-37).......

Do you know what your asking? Have you really count the cost? Of lost? Of Everything?
Are you willing to follow... if the grave becomes your throne? If your lost becomes my gain?

"I AM, I AM!! Yes, you know I am Lord!"

Are you willing to become least, in a world were greatness rules? To serve? To Die?
What if the cost; cost you nothing, but cost your family everything?
What if the price you pay is not your own life?

"I AM, I AM!! Yes you know I am Lord!"

BUT THREE TIMES YOU LIED, THREE TIMES YOU DENIED, YOU DENIED ME!

"When did I deny you Lord, when?"

When the sacrifice came due and you were unwilling to pay.
When you were asked to lay down your life and you couldnt even lay down your ego.
When the cost to follow meant living with less.
When the cup was bitter and you refused to take a drink.

Are you willing to follow, if the cost to follow, is asking me;

"What do you want me to do for you, Lord?"

And I tell you, "Hang to the right & left of me on the cross in glory."

New Song

Ive been lucky enough to witness some changes in the lifes of those I know lately.
Most are good..... the birth or adoption of a new child (congrats to both Rachel's and to Greg), the happy news of a soon to be born baby (what a wonderful mom you will make Sarah) and the unexpected oppurtunity of a new job (Good luck to both Janiece and Greg).
Most are the changes that we look forward too, live for.
Their those moments in life where praise slips easily from our lips.
Others are what bad dreams are made of.... the falling apart of families, the betrayel of a friend, the painful news that they have found a tumor and we dont know if he will make it, the loss of jobs, a parent, a child.
Yet what struck me this morning was that there is something new to be learned about our God in all these things. Although painfully at times, we are given a new song to sing. We, if willing, are taught something about our God that we had not seen before.
We might have believed that God was an Almighty Creator, but we come to know him as such when we hold our child for the first time.
We might have thought of our God as comforter, but we only know him as our comforter in the midst of our deepest pain.
I have come to know my God as healer because I have seen him heal me from my past. Heal my marriage. Heal my family. I can call him repairer of broken things because he has repaired my broken life.
I know him personally in this way & I know as time goes on I will come to learn even more about him.
What do you know him as? Not what have you read about him. Not what others have said about him. Not what you know you should say about him.
Who is God to you today?
What new song have you been given?
"Sing to the Lord a new song!" Psalm 96:1

Wake up, O sleeper!

How powerful our faith is. It is not the faith of a weak and simple minded people. It is power in the hands of the saints. It is the ascension of us his children to the highest of heavens, to the throne of our God. Every day we should be ascending.... rising up!
"Wake up O sleeper,
awake from the dead
and Christ light will shine on you." Ephesians 5:14
What promise those words hold for those who believe! What promise those words hold for all of creation!
I was floored this morning by the words in Ephesians. Reading it aloud to myself & letting it sink in as only Gods word can do. "in all things we will Grow up into him who is Head, that is Christ!" , "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander and every form of malice.", "Live as children of the light.". What would the world be without light?
All I know is that if we keep on making excuses for ourselves & our actions. If we refuse to wake up, grow up, get rid of & live as children of light then we are nothing more than darkness ourselves. We are part of a world that is wasting away & we are only living a dream.

Presumptious

Its been an eventful week.... lots of things have taken place that were so clearly the hand of God that it leaves me a little frightened. Im not sure I am willing to do all that God ask of me. Although in the moment it feels more natural to obey than not to. I wonder if the thing that keeps us from seeing the hand of God is our own selfishness, because to see it means that your life will be changed. Seeing God in all his fullness means seeing the purpose for which we were created & we werent created to fulfill our own dreams. We were created to fulfill the dream of God.... to bring back the whole of creation into a relationship with God.
Yesterday morning I was ready to commit to my own sefish course, but thankfully God opened my eyes (hit me over the head ) enough to see where he was at work. That is really all thats needed is leaving room for him to work. It is scheduling our days with the knowledge that God has every right to ask us to change our plans. God might ask us to leave our families & serve him by serving others. God might ask us to reevaluate our commitments & take a completely different path. Even saying it makes me shake inside because its not easy & it definently goes against all that the world teaches.There's even a certain loneliness to it, because few people will choose to walk that path with you.You spend your whole life trying to fit in & then once God calls you..... you spend the rest your life trying to be different. God ask us to take a look outside the confines of our lives, our childrens lifes, our comfortable lifes & walk with him where ever he chooses to take us.  

Resolute

Resolute: firm, steadfast, fixed, unwavering, undaunted

Looking back over the past couple of years I am amazed by all that has happened. I can remember a few years back listening to one of my favorite songs and wanting to believe that God could do that in my life. He could move these mountains that had held me back for so long. He could move me into a place of peace. That I could live like I used to dream, but to be honest I couldnt have dreamed up the life Im living right now. Sadly those that have never seen the light, never miss it. I could not have imagined this life. This joy goes beyond the best Hollywood ending. Its more than a fairytale and its better than a knight in shining armour.
I have come to know the freedom of living in the light. Hiding nothing from my savior. Concealing no secrets from my wonderful counselor. Living with no fear of the past and only hope for the future.
I have had my relationship with Scott restored, rejuvenated and rebuilt. Not on our past, but on our future. We are learning new things about eachother everyday and being made new everyday. I love him more today than ever before and God has opened my eyes to what a wonderful gift he is.
I have been healed (and still am) from the painful memories of my childhood and because of that I have become a more patient parent. I stopped beating myself up for not being perfect and have found that a gave myself far to little credit. I am a mother who loves her kids enough to get help when she needs to and who is willing to admit when I am wrong.
I have stepped out and taken risk that I was terrified to take. I have said "I will" in spite of the fact that every part of me was screaming "I cant!"
Most importantly I have come to know Christ in a way that a few years back I would have laughed at. There is a fairytale ending and a knight in shining armour. It just happens to take place somewhere after me falling to my knees in disbelief and reaching for something beyond myself.
So I sit here today looking ahead. Planning my new years resolutions. Deciding on what changes need to be made. I pray that I walk into this new year with the same determination that God had with me.....
 He was resolute in his plans to heal me and make me his. His love for me never wavered. His plans for me went undaunted. His gaze was fixed upon me and he steadily led me to the life he had promised.
That is the promise that moves me forward with confidence. No matter what this new year brings I know that I can handle it because he is by my side.  

Heritage

I wonder why it is I cant see in me what other people see. They see strength on the outside and I see the chaos that exist on the inside. They see someone who cares and I see my own selfish motives.

What does God see?

I hope he sees Christ in me. I hope that my faults are wrapped up tightly in the perfectness of Jesus. I hope that he sees what I can be and not just what I am......

But to have his eyes. To see the seeds blossom in the field. To see your children run instead of crawl. To see the faint resemblance of the child to his mother and father. To see the hope that lies inside each of us.

The seer sees what eyes cannot, the outcome of the battles fought.
The hopes and dreams that will be won for children of the fathers son.

Where shall I go?

" You do not want to leave me too, do you?" (john 6:67) When faced with the reality of what it means to follow Christ many turned back & the only question left for those that were left was...... " will you also turn back?" If he asked me that today, what would I say? There eventually comes a time in your relationship with God where you have to face some things about yourself that you've done your best to hide, even from yourself. There comes a time when you have to make the choice to sacrifice the very thing that makes you... you! Or what you've come to know as yourself. You have to decide whether you keep the right to live as you see fit or whether you turn over ownership of yourself completely. You cant stay where you are & follow Christ. What it comes down to is do you really believe that he is who he says he is? Do you really believe that one day all things will be made right? Do you? Do I? Right now all I know is this....... to turn back is not an option because, "to whom shall I go?" (john 6:68) What is left for those that have tasted the bread of life?

Too Funny!

Im laughing at myself right now. 5 minutes out from writing my post last night I was already being faced with my very own personal sacrifice. Its beautiful & poetic to write....... " I want to give it all." It flows off the tongue with ease. It sounds heroic. It sounds hopeful, but 5 minutes later your left realizing that you need more than beautiful words.
Once again your hearts breaking over a hurt you thought you had got over months ago. Your angry because you want to let the other person know just how bad it hurt & you cant. Whats worse is your disappointed because you want it to be as easy as it sounds on paper. You want that part of yourself to die once & for all. You want to be a saint because saints get put on gold medallions looking heroic & at peace. You forget that saints get put on medallions because they sacrificed themselves daily.
Thats the part you dont like, because thats the part you have to work at. The thing is there's no strength in those moments when you feel most able. The strength comes when your at your weakest...... 5 minutes later when you realize you need more than beautiful words. You need a beautiful saviour!
(2Corinthians 12:8-9) Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Sacrifice!

I just got through reading a blog by a young lady living in Uganda who although only 20 is raising about 14 kids in a foster care home. I don't know if its the weather or my mood, but something about this story is really hitting me. Sometimes I wish I was off giving away all I had, caring for those that have less than me & basically living out my beliefs in some grand way. Truth is, its not the grand things that are the hardest. Its the everyday living that gets the best of us. I might have the strength to give my life to save another, but I'm not willing to sacrifice my pride with those closest to me. That's the sad part. Be the martyr & your sacrifice becomes your reward. Choose to give over your right to live how you want too, allow something to roll off your shoulder or forgive the person that hurts you. Well that's a different story, God wouldn't dare ask us to do that. Would he?
Like I said before it might just be the weather. Something about the cool air that makes you want to start anew. Something about the change of seasons that makes you want to change, but right this moment I want to give it all. I want to make the sacrifice not somewhere out there, but right here. I want to face the day with the same faith that it must take that young girl living in Uganda. Its a faith that is lived out with courage. Its a faith that actually believes what it claims to belief, because in the end you cant fake that. You can't put on your Sunday best & wear your religion like you wear your jeans. Comfortably!!! You cant carry your cross & then bang everybody else over the head with it. Rather skillfully I might add!! You have to be changed by it or what's the use of having it at all!? Beliefs that don't change you or nothing more than opinions & do we really need anymore of those. I don't!