Your love remains...

I was asked recently what one thing do I see as a weakness in myself. At which I asked..."Just one?", but in the end I said my greatest weakness is depression. However what I should have said is melancholy. It is the tendancy in myself to see things through the lens of lies. It is the trait in myself that makes me quick to give it all to God, but also quick to run away in despair.

Second to that or maybe the cause of that is the need in me to be accepted. The fear that I am not enough as is. I see it most days and with God's help Im able to overcome it most days as well. Yet then melancholy creeps in or is it that the thoughts proceed the melancholy and Im just to blind to see it. Either way it does its job and I want to run, because I hate that in myself. I hate that need even though I know that its source is my need for Christ. The empty parts that only he can fill.

I get scared that I will fail to see it one day and I could end up far from where my heart longs to be. I could end up like I've been before; with knife in hand aching for a way out even if for a moment. Its like a whisper that says you will never be rid of me and I try to out shout it with, "I dont need to be rid of you. I just need to remember my God is bigger than you."

Still sometimes I catch a glimpse of the darkness within and Im burdened by the weight of it and I foolishly fear that there is no way God is big enough for all this.

I know... he is or at least I know I must believe it or be left to my darkess. I must believe that...

He will give me a new heart, a heart of flesh tender to his touch and leading. Ezekial 36:26

He will give me an undivided heart that seeks him and him alone. Ezekial 11:19

He will give me a heart to know him. Jeremiah 24:7

He will heal my waywardness and love me freely. Hosea 14:4

He will weigh the secret motives of my heart. Proverbs 16:2

He will teach me the fear of the Lord and help me to avoid evil. Proverbs 16:6

He will love me with an everlasting love for his love is the only thing that remains when everything else falls apart. Psalm 103:17

Pause my playlist below before watching video...

Rejected!

I know the tenderness of an old wound. The translucent scars dotting the body like open invitations for touch. Ive felt the harsh grasp of an unkind word as it wrapped itself tightly around these not so private spots. A weird mix of pride & shame that comes from these odd trophies. I own them like a sick possesion or do they own me?
Last night it seemed the latter. An overactive mind brings to surface the worst of fears in the midst of sleep. So much so that had my weeping been audible I would have woke the neighbors.Instead I woke myself.
That all too familiar feeling which had set the stage for the worse of my memories...... rejection!
Now it seems easy to put a word to it, but there was a time when the only thing that spoke of my pain was the wounds on my body. I wanted to be free of it, but it calls me back in the form of dreams & aching memories. This need to be seen & heard. To be something to someone. Was this normal? Was this the way everyone felt? Would they admit it if it was?
There are times when I feel very young & the fear is more than this little girl can take. It seems like a wave that might overtake me at any moment. A temptation that I might not be able to withstand. A cry that will well up inside me & drown out every other thought. How instinctively I run to hide myself from the face of it.
This is not me! This is not all I am!
Yet under the cover of sleep I fear it is........