All of the Joy

Last night this song kept playing through my head, the song that would become the title to my blog years ago and stay with me through the years. And in that numb, happy, broken, half crazy moment last night after the falling and fun I sang it to my friend and shared the story behind it much to her distress Im sure. Lucky for you (not) I thought I'd share with you guys as well. See this song was the anthem for a very hard, beautiful and mostly drunken time in my life, but sitting on the beach by myself in the dark 20yrs ago I poured out these words to a Savior I didnt fully understand. Because even in that place, far from this lady I am now He was all of the joy. And the crazy train I was on was still painted with this wonderful love story that had Jesus as the leading man and me His love. Now 20 yrs later I read these words and realize it was not just the anthem of that time in my life, but the anthem of my life with Him because He has always offered the most gentle touches, He has always got to me and He has always wrote the best songs into my life. So sitting here tonight (oh how I wish it was on a beach under the moon) I wrap myself tight and pretty and wait for Him to show, I uncork myself and let myself pour out. 






Well I wrap myself up tight and pretty
I found the finest bow
And I wrapped it tight around my body
As I waited for him to show
I have laid the mines near a field of dreams I know
You walked right through and take me far from here
And it's only fitting that all of this should happen at one time
Though the world is spinning out of control
I guess it's all right I lose my mind
He says he needs another sip from the fountain of his youth
I'll uncork myself and let myself spill out
This is all of the joy
This is all of the joy
With each and every day I hope to capture all the light
All the memories we have created, oh they have given me life
And all of his botherings, his sweet and gentle touches
They call to me and kiss me goodnight
This is all of the joy (Mm-mmm)
Well it's hard to describe all the love I have inside
And it's hard to add all of the tears I've to cry
And the songs we've written under the moon are so full, so bright
Dreams can only outshine the light
I had no idea how much effect one could have on me
He gets to me
He gets to me
He gets to me
He gets to me
He's opened up
He's opened up my soul
This is all of the joy
This is all of the joy

Him...

Were 1 month into loving on baby J and things are so uncertain right now. Well its almost certain he will go home to his grandparents, but whats uncertain is the when and the what happens after. Will I get to see him, will his life be good, will his mom and dad get it together and most importantly will we have what it takes to walk this again, after the heart breaks and my arms ache empty for him? But in this overwhelming uncertainty, Im more certain than ever in..

Him

This Jesus, He is close by my side,  He is the only hope this world has and He is the only way we will be able to love and lose over and over again and again.

Because despite what some may think we were not uniquely created for this task, we are not special and this is not some special calling on our lives. The fact is I am horribly selfish, I want this little man for our own, I want a big family with rooms overflowing, all sitting around our nice, big table Duggar style, driving the Econovan; but I know its not about what I want. Ive seen Jesus and Ive seen a hint of the beauty which is God's kingdom come and its beyond my dream of more kids. Its beyond my dream of a picture perfect family. Ive seen..

Him

But my flesh, this horribly needy thing will fight against God's plans everyday, fight to put me at the center of this story, fight to build its own dream. So Im not special or uniquely created for this because if so I wouldnt have to be relying on Jesus and His church so much to see me through. I could do it in my own power, by my own strength. No, this is and has always been completely about Him. His strength, His love, His mercy, His grace, His faithfulness, His glory, His plans. Were nothing in this story, but puppets in His hand and in His hand we might look beautiful, might look capable, might look special but if for a second we take this into our own hands, believe the hype that its "our" calling were going to make a mess of things.

So I'll keep holding to the only certain and true thing there is in all this...

Him

our hope
baby J's hope
his parents hope
the anchor of this easily, ship wrecked soul
the source of all strength and beauty and love

And when like Rachel I weep for the children that are no more I wont refuse to be comforted by the hope I have in Christ. I will bind myself to the certainty that he will one day heal these wounds and push back all the darkness til only he remains.

Him

Only Him