Falling apart...

I walked into church yesterday fully aware that I would most likely fall apart. For all my apparent strength in the past few weeks, facing the unknown, I knew that just behind it all was this falling to pieces. Instead I smiled.."Yes Im doing fine! Yes its all in Gods hands, that life growing in me wasn't meant for us! Yes I trust him fully, he knew whether we should have another baby or whether we should face the pain of losing it!" And it was true I do believe these things, I do know he can be trusted. But I also know that something in me knew that I needed to fall apart.

Five seconds in amongst smiling faces, sweet babies playing, I was feeling the hurt rise up, the tears choking out my normal laughing self and I started fighting the falling apart I so desperately needed. A few songs later and I was uncontrollable crying, telling Scott I needed to leave "NOW", head falling to his shoulder and wanting to hide my falling apart. Because truth is Im afraid of people seeing me raw, afraid of being out of control, afraid of make up running, unable to catch my breath pain.

However sometimes falling apart is the only way to die to oneself and produce the life God intended for us (John 12:24). And I wonder what it would have produced in me had I run to the altar Sunday instead of running to the bathroom..make up running, unable to catch my breath, head falling to HIS shoulder. If I hadnt fought so hard to hold it together and been more comfortable in the falling apart. What victory wouldve been won had I fought through the Easter morning crowd and ran to touch His garment, ugly face crying, seeking a healing for a hurt that goes far beyond losing my pregnancy? Had I only been aware of His presence and not the presence of others in that place?

Sometimes I think Im so afraid of being the "mad" woman that I hide my desperation. I write it into blog post, but keep a part of it hidden from others around me. I hide it from myself quite well at times also. But honestly Im tired. Im tired of holding it all together, very poorly I might add. Im tired of worrying what others think of me, voice quaking at the thought of being heard. Im tired of falling apart to just the point that I still appear sane, when I know damn well I am far from it.  And though God knows Im desperate for Him, He's seen me fall apart, I know Im missing something by not allowing myself to fall fully in the company of others.

Perhaps thats why I always feel like Im falling apart all over again, because I never fell fully in the first place. I've never allowed myself to fall completely apart, be completely broken. Be broken like bread, like Christ on the cross.

Yesterday He called me to it, to be broken and I ran from it. I can only pray I want run from it again and when He whispers, "Come"; I will fall fully.

Project 52: Week 6 - Week 11

April 9th - May 20th....

Life is strange and unpredictable, beautiful and horrible, all at the same time. And the past few weeks, although still filled with everyday life, were also filled with goodbyes I wasn't ready to make, questions I didn't have answers too and a reevaluation of what I truly believe. I guess that's what happens when you face the loss of someone you love. Its like you slow down while it seems life speeds up and you get to the end six weeks later not really knowing how you got here.

But you do get here. Here six weeks out from my last blog post and looking over these last few weeks different than I was.

In the past few weeks...

We:

• said good bye to my niece, Shelby, who died in a car accident April 28th. 
• held her 7 month old baby boy close. Watching him smile, completely unaware of the fact that he would not see his mama again.
• spent time with family in the weeks to follow and  realized that we are very blessed to have each other.
• watched as family and friends came in and showed us great love.
• cried a lot, but laughed more.
• also welcomed our newest family member, baby boy Nash. Who came into the world on May 14th and brought hope to a painful situation.

I:

• had the part of myself that was judgmental and harsh brought to its knees
• watched my brother and sister in law experience a pain that no parent should have to experience
• didn't have my normal answers to the everyday hurts and learned that loving God, loving people sometimes means just being their with people in their grief
• had questions, doubts, uncertainty and still found God right there with me
• realized that we Christians say very dumb things when faced with death and really need to let God teach us what his word actually teaches about death and grieving. Or at least the fine art of keeping quiet.
• was reminded that life is short, precious, uncertain and filled with great pain and beauty
• officiated my niece's funeral and had to put words to life and death, love and loss
• was challenged to live life, knee's bleeding in prayer for others
• also spent time at the beach with my friend. Helping her work a wedding and enjoying some much needed rest and fun. Very strangely celebrating life while still grieving death

On the homestead:

• we welcomed the very sweet Ari who was my niece's dog into our home
• we said good bye to 3 of our chickens who met their fate at the paws of the very sweet Ari and a troublemaking neighborhood dog

Shelby Nicole Wiggins 1992-2012

Our newest baby, Ari.

Beautiful Destin Beach.