The view from up here....

I had a fear of flying. A fear of wings failing. A fear of stepping out to find there were no wings at all.
I had a fear of falling. A fear of hitting hard. A fear of finding I never left the ground.

But fears are made for overcoming. Fears are made to show you strong.
And a moment living weightless...

Leaves you breathless!

Leaves you living for the view from up here.
Starts making sense, this kingdom living, this going out, this life of flying.

I had a fear of flying, a fear of failing wings, a fear of stepping out to find there were no wings at all.
But fears are made for overcoming, made to fuel you on
And a lifetime living weightless...

Leaves the world breathless!


photo taken by me (on Shannon Kelley's camera) flying over some random (beautiful) island on our way to Haiti.

The gift you gave...

This post was originally wrote (but not completed) a day after getting back from Haiti. However although some time has passed the sentiment remains the same. So a belated thank you to all those that supported my trip to Haiti.

Today I have been flooded with feelings, happy/broken stories of my time in Haiti and I wanted to share with all those that supported me financially and prayerfully how much I've been changed. You have given me a gift I didnt know I wanted. A piece of Jesus I had yet to see. A heart that has grown beyond its borders and a knowledge of what it means to be the body of Christ.

My time there has transformed me and there are stories that need to be told, but in the meantime I want to give you all a glimpse of what the gift you gave looks like. A gift that you wrapped in love and presented in prayer to me...

The gift of support/ believe/ encouragement... How could I ever thank you for this unexpected gift? Without being aware of it ,you annointed me with your words of support and encouragement. You spoke blessings over me with your kindness and showed me that you believed in me when I didnt believe in myself.

The gift of freedom from fears... Honestly I can say I absolutely love flying now, but then again how could you not when you know no matter what happens you either go home or go home to heaven. Plus there is nothing like a sunrise at 38,000 ft.



photo taken by Shannon Kelley


The gift of extended family... This is the biggest blessing of all, because I saw very clearly that I am a part of a vast family that does not discriminate on the basis of age, sex, race, nationality, income or social status. I have brothers and sisters I have yet to meet, but who I will one day know as well as I know myself.


The interns turned sisters in Christ.




Roberson, Brad and I having fun at lunch.



 



The crew at Wahoo Bay.
Photos taken by Shannon Kelley.

The gift of being comfortable in my own skin..Its hard to explain, but I never felt more at peace with myself than while in Haiti. I felt beautiful (inside and out) and although that might sound prideful, for a person with my past feeling beautiful is a gift that can only bestowed by a very loving God. I left comparison at the door and was able to be excactly who God created me to be.




The girls (Jen, Renee and Ashley) releasing our inner Goddess.
Photo taken by Angelina Reed



The gift of perspective.....Never again will trivial things affect me quite as badly. Never again will I grumble and gripe about what amounts to nothing because I have seen life through a filter of poverty.



Port au Prince, Haiti



The gift of purpose.... I've spent my whole life wondering what my purpose was here on earth, but in 7 days my purpose/ our purpose was made very clear. We are made to "go into all the world and make disciples (Matt 28:19), preach the good news (Mark 16:15), to lose the chains of injustice, untie the cords of the yoke, feed the hungry, clothe the naked (Isaiah 58), to care for the orphans and the widows (James 1:27). TO LOVE!! (John 13:34)



Tree of Life Orphanage
Photo taken by Renee Bouldin



Dont use me....

Since being back from the Haiti I've not had a lot of time to really think about what it all means, but overwhelmingly I know it has changed me. Yet I find myself afraid that I will forget. That I will be one of the many short term missionaries that long term missionaries make fun of.

Could I possibly end up being the one that talks about how changed I am yet lives as if I'm not changed at all?

Truth is I dont know how to step forward or what to do with what I feel. Some days I feel immensely hopeful that all this could be changed. That the body of Christ that I serve with will be the hands and feet. Then other days I feel quite sure that we've completely missed the point of the gospel and that it's hopeless. The difference being some days Im focused on who God is and some days I'm focused who we are, who I am.

Yet the other night I sat on the edge of my tub at 3 in the morning praying that God would do a mighty work in the lives of those children at Tree of Life. And for once in my life I wasnt making it about me. I wasnt asking God to use me in a big way (which I've done before), I was asking him to heal those children, to care for them because I absolutely was broken for them. I guess I didnt care as much as I claimed to all these years. For the first time it wasnt about how this relates to me and I knew in that moment that I had finally seen with the eyes of Jesus. In fact I begged God dont use me if I get in the way of what needs to be done. I prayed forget me, dont fulfill my dreams, dont even act is if I exist; just do this thing. Please!!!

The fact of the matter is its not about us, but as much as we say that we still make it all about us. Its about my mission, my vision, my calling or not being called, my gifts, my talents, how I might be of use; but I'm of no use at all. In fact there is nothing good in me at all that doesnt exist outside of God's grace. And I'm not being negative because whats in me because of him is much greater.

However I started this blog out feeling quite hopeless, quite uncertain, quite worried that I would miss what Im supposed to be doing. Quite honestly making it all about me again and once again focusing my eyes on myself  and who I am and what this means to me. When all the while God's begging me to remember who he is and what he can do.

I prayed use me in a big way,
but took for granted what that would mean
Overlooked the selfishness of that request
Overlooked my own pride

I prayed as if I was humble, surrendered
all the while having dreams of my own
Ideas of my own making
Ideas of grandeur disguised as humility

but finally

I prayed forget me, don't use me
and at once felt the heart of God
Broken for the lost and hurting
Broken to be worthy of use.

tres belle....

Tree of Life Orphanage (photo taken by Shannon Kelley)

I imagine my past has something to do with my absolute need to make certain every little girl knows she's beautiful. Because no matter how many times I heard it as a child or teen everything else spoke that I was not. My actions impure, this soul dirty, this person imperfect. So when a little boy came up to me in Luly pointing at what I assumed was his sister's crooked teeth, laughing and making ugly faces, I could only respond beautiful. She was beautiful and I stroked her face and softly said, "Tres belle, Tres belle, Tres belle." As if saying it more than once would make it stick like glue.

Honestly though she was beautiful and perfect and full of hope. Every single one of them were and days later when surrounded by a swell of little souls I would whisper it to them, “Tres belle, Tres belle, Tres belle.”

(Photo taken by Shannon Kelley)

Not to be outdone, God made sure that this little girl knew it as well. So sitting amongst a group of girls, that thought it was wonderful that I would let them give me corn rolls, I heard  the words whispered to me, “Tres belle, Tres belle, Tres belle." And sitting in my lap, well more like climbing all over me, was this precious little thing speaking truth over me. Blessing me with her words.




Very painful, but well worth it. (Photo taken by Shannon Kelley)

 Truth is I have never seen more beauty nor felt more beautiful than when I was in Haiti. Covered with dirt and dust, sweating, filthy, but oh so beautiful.

Oh so beautiful you say
and I hide my face
believing it has always been hard

Oh so beautiful I whisper
please hear it
this is your truth or it should be

Oh so beautiful it is
this God's grace
finally seeing, taking it as mine

breathing it in

it is, Oh so beautiful!

Beans and rice....

For some reason I have this song going through my head today..."Beans and rice, beans and rice, mama never makes the same things twice." Only thing is Im not sure if thats a real song or yet another one of my crazy mixed up melodies, but it did get me thinking about some of our wonderful meals in Haiti. My favorite being this Haitian version of beans and rice which is nothing like what Im used to, but which is now one of my favorites.



photo taken by Shannon Kelley

 Can I say yummy? Sadly I wasnt brave enough to try the goat "balls" (not of the testicular variety). Aww too bad, maybe next time. However I was able to try some pickly which is like coleslaw with a kick  and two of the best beverages I have ever tasted.. Wahoo Bay fruit punch and Lime Juice.

pickly is right in front of the ranch dressing. oh and is this not an awesome photo?
photo taken by Shannon Kelley

Limes after being squeezed dry to make our lime juice. This was a time consuming
process that the Haitian staff did 3 times during the week for us.
photo taken by Shannon Kelley



Me, Brad and Roberson at Wahoo Bay with the fruit punch in the forefront. Yum.
Photo taken by Shannon Kelley

 Of course the best part of the meal was the company and the simple ritual that came with sitting down to eat with friends. Okay who am I kidding, it was the food.

Dont ask me about my strange pose. For some reason this was my go
to pose throughout the trip.
photo taken by Shannon Kelley




From....

(photo by Renee Bouldin)

One of the strangest things about Haiti to me was seeing all of these tarps around. Blue, white, proudly displaying the organization that sent them. Some U.N., some charities and some gifts from the American people. They had become roofs, walls, fencing and trash. Dotting the landscape, stark against the poverty around them. It was surreal at times to look out on it. We had long left these remnants of our supposed acts of charity behind us. We had moved on to the next catastrophe.

Yet what had we actually accomplished, because for all our apparent help we were doing nothing more than placing a band aid on a situation that needed complete healing.

I wondered if us great (laughing to myself), Christian missionaries would be able to leave something of more value behind than a tarp. Would our new friends, these orphans, these poor see us as a gift from Christ? Was he as clearly printed on us?

"From Christ.. as a gift to the Haitian people, to the poor and hurting of the world, to the needy orphans, widows, to the lonely and outcasted."  

Sitting here today I don't think he is. I don't think we can claim to love the least of these when we drive our fancy cars, sit in our big churches (which belong to the banks), wear our fancy jeans with rhinestone crosses or sit in our homes that could house a 100 orphans. Who are we fooling when we live this way and then claim a risen Saviour that gave all of himself for a people that did not deserve it? Honestly the only people were fooling is ourselves because a world is watching that is not in the least bit fooled. It sees our hypocrisy, our greed, our selfishness. It sees our tattered remnants that we leave behind and it judges our creator by them.

But what if we became the gift we were meant to be? What if we became a light in the darkness, the mirror image of Christ? What if when people saw the church they saw a heart carrying a banner of hope clearly labeled, From Christ ? And what was left behind changed the landscape of the entire world.

When all is revealed....

Tree of Life Orphanage (photo taken by Renee Bouldin)



"For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are." Romans 8:1


these little hearts,
waiting eagerly for the sons and daughters of God to be revealed
to show themselves as children of the King
to step into this dark place
and redeem them from this life of poverty
 
these fragile souls
awaiting the glorious bride of Christ which has not yet come
to anoint them with gladness
to heal there wounds
and bring light to their darkness
 
these hardened people
we who refuse the King his bride and claim the American dream as religion
we who borrow against our future reward
we who hide within our wealth
and deny these little children the light, hope, a future
 
we who when all things are revealed
will be exposed as charlatans and thieves
who laid claim to a birthright
a Kingdom
a crown of righteousness 
that was not our own
 
we will see
these little hearts
these fragile souls 
ushered into a Kingdom that we did not build
and we will not be able to buy
 
when all is revealed,
what will we you be revealed as??

A little bit at a time..

The blog title says it all. I am sorting though all I saw and felt a little bit at a time. I am getting used to being at home a little bit at a time and I will probably only be able to put words to what I experienced a little bit at a time.

I guess its those little bits, little moments, that have affected me in the biggest ways. Like the moment in the village of Luly where we were clearing out a field of garbage to make room for a soccer field and basically by this point all of our nerves were shot. Our patience had been tested and we were all beyond tired and hot, but we were faced with this gigantic task...put up soccer goals and move a gigantic pile of trash, shovel by shovel, with only 2 shovels and one wheel barrow.

However, God being God, had an agenda all his own that had very little to do with a garbage pile in the middle of a tiny village in Haiti. He saw that for all of our apparent American wealth we had only managed to contain our trash to the inside. In the dark places of our heart, in the selfish attitudes of our actions and in the hurry of our fast paced, get it done life's.

We had even bigger messes to contend with, we had trash piles covered over with nice clothes, nice homes and big cars. We had lives that knew very little about being the body of Christ, but we have a God that has the patience and strength to stand before a great task and see it through to the end. And in that moment, shovel in hand, digging my way through the trash, I knew it was worth it to let him do what he does best. Let him use us to help the have-nots and in the act of doing so clear out our own garbage a little bit at a time.