Monday, December 30, 2013


Were 1 month into loving on baby J and things are so uncertain right now. Well its almost certain he will go home to his grandparents, but whats uncertain is the when and the what happens after. Will I get to see him, will his life be good, will his mom and dad get it together and most importantly will we have what it takes to walk this again, after the heart breaks and my arms ache empty for him? But in this overwhelming uncertainty, Im more certain than ever in..


This Jesus, He is close by my side,  He is the only hope this world has and He is the only way we will be able to love and lose over and over again and again.

Because despite what some may think we were not uniquely created for this task, we are not special and this is not some special calling on our lives. The fact is I am horribly selfish, I want this little man for our own, I want a big family with rooms overflowing, all sitting around our nice, big table Duggar style, driving the Econovan; but I know its not about what I want. Ive seen Jesus and Ive seen a hint of the beauty which is God's kingdom come and its beyond my dream of more kids. Its beyond my dream of a picture perfect family. Ive seen..


But my flesh, this horribly needy thing will fight against God's plans everyday, fight to put me at the center of this story, fight to build its own dream. So Im not special or uniquely created for this because if so I wouldnt have to be relying on Jesus and His church so much to see me through. I could do it in my own power, by my own strength. No, this is and has always been completely about Him. His strength, His love, His mercy, His grace, His faithfulness, His glory, His plans. Were nothing in this story, but puppets in His hand and in His hand we might look beautiful, might look capable, might look special but if for a second we take this into our own hands, believe the hype that its "our" calling were going to make a mess of things.

So I'll keep holding to the only certain and true thing there is in all this...


our hope
baby J's hope
his parents hope
the anchor of this easily, ship wrecked soul
the source of all strength and beauty and love

And when like Rachel I weep for the children that are no more I wont refuse to be comforted by the hope I have in Christ. I will bind myself to the certainty that he will one day heal these wounds and push back all the darkness til only he remains.


Only Him

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