On why Im thankful that God loves imperfect people and why Im not God....

The past hour Ive been floored once again. Been thrown to the ground battered and bruised. Proof that Im still very much human and no amount of good Christian behaviour changes the fact that while here on earth I exist within a body of flesh and emotions. Very ugly, but very thankful that God loves imperfect people. And very aware that for all my good deeds and striving after righteousness I am not nor will I ever be God.

Right now he is having to love imperct me. Because there are things that have been building up for awhile. Little things that creep in and in the midst of my most surrendered days I give them up. However today this imperfect person is struggling to do that. Struggling with hurt and anger. Hurting to the point that I want to shut myself up. Truthfully over it. Over risking and hurting. Over sweet Nicole who takes her place somewhere out of sight. And like I said I know this is very ugly, not very Christian and probably best left to the confines of my heart. Yet this my stuff,. others stuff might be packaged differently, but its there. 

If it werent for God loving imperfect people he might hate me for being upset that Im overlooked. He might despise me for wanting to be recognized, valued. He might never forgive me for being over giving it all and getting a pat on the back. He might send me straight to hell for these thoughts that say, "I give up, Im done!!" He might regret that he gave his Son for someone that is sick and tired of being the one to be there, but never fully being appreciated.

Thankfully God was not created in my image or he might give up on me. He might say I give it all and all I get from her is a pat on the divine back. He might complain that he's never fully appreciated despite the fact that he's always there. 

Thankfully he's not me.

Afternoon delight.....

This is something you might not want to know about me, but I love me a little afternoon delight. I spend the whole morning just waiting around for that moment when Scott pulls me close & whispers what Ive been longing to hear; how about a little afternoon delight? I long for it like a baby longs for that first bottle & today is no different. We had a great worship service & as I looked out at my husband all I could do was think about it. Awww its going to be so good! I can already imagine it right now. In fact Scott is already got started with it while Im typing away at the computer. I guess he just couldnt wait for his afternoon delight. Now its time for me to join him & I think all you married ladies out there should go grab your hubbies & join me as well. I bet you the pastor does it. In fact I bet half the church right now is doing it. Cause there really is nothing like a little afternoon delight. So let me share a little something with you.... when your 37 & the kids are at home & you woke up at 6:30 there is nothing like a three hour nap to make it all better. Awww its going to be so good! I have been thinking it about it all day & I really love me a little afternoon delight. Wait, what did you think I was talking about?

A brief encounter with the po po..........

Im writing this today from jail. Yep you heard me right. I am thoroughly imprisoned today in a mix of guilt, shame & indignation. I barely escaped incarceration yesterday and had my perfect persona of christian wife and mother thrown out the window. Plus I gave my mom and dad a display that would only make biker parents proud. I will not live this one down for a long time.
Let me set the background for those that dont know me well. I have had my fair share of run ins with the police, but in all these encounters I have been nothing but respectful. I am the parent who doesnt let my children or husband make doughnut jokes. I also preach to my speed loving friends about submission to authorities and the law. I get speed signs put on streets in neighborhoods without any. I yell at my husband when he goes five miles over the speed limit. Even my younger party days never found me being disresptful to those in authority. Thats just the way I was taught to be. You say yes maam, no sir. You admit your wrong and accept whatever punishment that might bring.
Yesterday this wasnt the case for me.
As a good daughter I thought that it would be nice to take my parents on a drive. Take them to see the sights, get a meal, talk and laugh. Only thing is Scott, the kids and I were exhausted from camping which Im going to use as a partial excuse for my behaviour. Wouldnt you?

We had already had a great time and been in the car for about 4 hours when my brief encounter with the po po happened. You locals might be familiar with Bald River Falls. For the rest of you its a beautiful waterfall that you can see by car because a bridge passes right in front of it. My indignant side wants to add that it is a road in the middle of nowhere with only a little traffic. Its smack in the middle of a national forest. Beautiful place and I being the good daughter wanted my mom (who can barely walk) to see it. Plus there was some crazy man who was about to kayak it and most likely kill himself. So as I pulled onto the bridge I stopped, not even in park nor getting out of the car, to show my mom and see the man who was about to kill himself. Yes there was a no parking on bridge sign, but remember I wasnt parking. A few bikers went around me, but I was in no way blocking the whole bridge.

Thats when I saw the the forest ranger and the cop behind me with there lights on. Being the dutiful citizen I am I pulled off the bridge only to realize they were still stopping me. Ok this is when I start getting mad and my love of Christ that affects all I do went bye bye for a short time. I was mad because I hadnt done anything wrong, but if I go one mile over the speed limit I get a ticket, Its a running joke of mine to say dont speed because Im in the car and cops love me. I also love to say that its God's way of keeping me good. You know kinda of like Karma for getting speed signs posted on my street. A constant reminder to practice what I preach. Well this time I had done nothing wrong and I was going to prove it.
As you can most likely tell I was in defense mode already.....
"What did I do wrong?", I said.
"What did you do wrong? Are you kidding me? You stopped on the bridge!", Officer Friendly replied.
Then my very long winded tyraid about showing my handicapped mom the waterfall, followed by a "Just look at her" which she didnt take kindly too. Add to that how I live a good life and obey the laws then get a ticket for something stupid.
"Im not giving you a ticket"
"Oh I know your not", I said, "because I wasnt parked on the bridge and I did nothing wrong. Now your just harassing me to make a point and to be to be a butthole."
Did I tell you I have some pent up rage?
Then he said, " I just have to see the paper work of everybody I pull over." So I got out my liscense & he asked for my proof of insurance which led to me telling him, "I dont have it so you might as well go ahead and write my ticket now."
Yeah it was not one of finest moments and I was very happy that I did not have a christian bumper sticker on the car. By the way by this time I was crying, my mom, dad and husband were telling me I needed to calm down before I got myself in trouble. Plus the kids were looking on shocked by there mom and the situation. This is where I should have gotten quiet instead I went on to tell them it was wrong and I dont care if they arrest me because someone's eventually got to stand up for whats right.

Looking back I realize I was 1 minute away from having my face shoved into the back window of my car, hands tied behind my back and kids sreaming, "please dont arrest my mama!"
The end of the story thankfully only ends with me getting a ticket for not having proof of insurance (which I do have), crying for 30 more minutes and going on about how Scott speeds all the time and never gets pulled over yet I do one thing and the cops are right there waiting to give me a ticket. I also went on to harp on the fact that when my mom gets pulled over she never gets a ticket because she's old and how my dad who is the worse driver in the world has only got pulled over once in his life. Of course only said as proof of the point I was trying to make.Thankfully my family was very patient and the kids were defending me with my mom is so good and never does anthing wrong unlike their dad who there scared to drive with, See it gets worse because not only did I tell a police officer off and insult the ederly I also allowed a few disrespectful comments from my children about their dad. By the way Scott didnt really catch them but it doesnt make them right.
Afterwards I apologized to everyone and went on to explain my rage (aka excuse my rage). I calmed down enough to enjoy the rest of the day. Although after something like that its a little awkward. We joked about how I almost get arrested and how I was definently related to my dads side of the family. I think I also made Scott fall in love with me again, because even though he was terrified, secretly he likes that Im a little crazy. He has admitted this to me before. I think he probably saw a little bit of the girl he first fell in love with. You know the spiritually minded, but ready to come to blows girl we all know and love. This is what Im telling myself to make me feel a little less ashamed. To be honest I still think it was wrong, but I know that no matter what I still have to hold to the standard that Christ set. You didnt see him whining on the cross about how unfair it was. There is the basis for my self imposed prison today. See I will go on to VBS tonight and do my bible study. I will sing alongside the rest of the worship team on Sunday leading 400 or more people in praise. I will teach the kids about God and obeying his word. I will write one more inspirational blog to uplift and inspire my friends.

Yet I will also remember that on Sunday I told a cop off and made a fool of myself in front of about 20 people. Yes this is real life and my brief encounter with the po po goes to proof that we serve a God that is forgiving (Right God, you forgive me, dont ya?), that the less than perfect can still serve the kingdom and that I need more sleep before venturing out into the world.

Oh and for those of you wondering about the infamous bridge and waterfall that started all this trouble. Here it is in all its glory. Although the picture doesnt do it justice.