Who are you??
There are things that have been a part of myself for so long that I have adapted them to fit into this new Christian life instead of letting God transform them. My cynicism has become discernment. My arrogance has become self righteousness and the need to show people the error of their ways. My insecurity has become the guidance of the holy spirit. Truth is I often have picked out faults in others that were very much faults of my own. Perhaps just in different packaging. Its like this dying to self that the bible talks about has more to do with outward sacrifice then whats its supposed to be.. outward sacrifice fueled by inward transformation. We've even managed to take verses that say you are fearfully and wonderfully made to justify keeping these parts of our self. It goes something like this....God made me unique and for a purpose. Which basically means I am who I am because God made me this way. For awhile I believed this lie because it is a very secular teaching. Heck I heard it all my life..we are special and God loves me just the way I am. But I overlooked the fact that I am a sinner and that these quirky personality traits were born from the sin of generations before me. They were born out of the sin of my parents, the sin of the world and my own sin as well. They bare no similarities to Jesus. We were adopted into a new family, but we still carry all the DNA of the other family.
Worst part is I hold onto them for dear life. After all free falling is scary and having God reinvent you is free falling at its worse (actually best depending on your perspective).
But what if this is the only way to find out who you truly are?
What if everything? I mean everything you do is held up against the standard of Jesus? And every part of yourself; every stinking part of your personality was brought under the lens of God.
What if you took no prisoners when it came to yourself? Left no stone unturned. Even those sweet, tender feelings you have were brought into the light of Jesus and you allowed him to discern your motives. Truth is we assume were good. I mean we say things like I'm a sinner, but we don't really believe that. If I'm honest there's not a good bone in my body, everything I do is meant to serve me. Everything!!
I sat during worship the other day and was suddenly made very aware of my own noise. It was like I was listening in on a conversation of a very good friend. And though the conversation was basically good it was very distracting and very annoying. And it was very familiar. Almost to the point of making me nauseous. Then when I looked around I realized that everyone was doing the same thing. The 5yr old had listened to the same stuff for 5yrs. The 60yr old had listened to the same stuff for 60 yrs and I had been listening to it for close to 40yrs. It was so much a part of who I was that I didn't even question it and worst yet I was going to be in here for probably another 30 yrs. I was my own best friend and because of this I'm my own sounding board for every thought that goes through my head.
That is true for all of us. So its no wonder we don't want to lose it. Were so close to our own selves that we have no perspective. So enmeshed in this relationship with ourselves that we don't know how to get out of it. But just like so many other unhealthy relationships if we don't get out of them we never have the chance to be who we truly are.
We have to loosen the grip we have on ourselves and free fall out of ourselves.