Second blog post of the day or as I call it procrastination from what I should be doing. After writing the first post (read it here) I was reminded of something else that I wanted to share. Because in writing what I believe to be truth I somewhat failed to show God's grace. And God's grace is what its all about.
So let me share another piece of my heart, but forgive me for being a bit cryptic cause it is not totally my story to share.
See I've learned a little something about fear in the past few months. Something that led me to preach not only to who ever might be reading, but to myself as well. I learned first hand what its like to have the devil come sneaking into your house. Looking to kill, steal and destroy. Honestly he was able to do it because we had let down our guard. We had taken for granted that things were ok. That we couldnt be led astray. But in the midst of me seeking to lead others (caught in sin) to God, the devil came through the back door of my own home and threatened to lead someone in my family directly into the very sin I was seeking to bring others out of.
He sought to destroy a part of my heart by reaching in and destroying the things I hold most dear. The very things that could bring me to my knees. And let me tell you I have never felt fear like that before. I have never so quickly shut down, turned away and hid out. Satan knew what he was doing. He knew that he could quickly put an end to any good being done by attacking the things closest to me.
He did just that!! Because I turned tail and ran. I ran from what God had been doing and I didnt care whether God was telling me to do it or not. All I knew was I refused to risk my family.
But there have been consequences to my actions. A soul that needed love, but I refused to give it. Someone that was seeking God and I refused to walk with them.
Now this is where grace comes in. I know God understands that I was afraid and that just because I refused to follow doesnt mean he loves me less. He offers grace that I so often refuse to others (note the very outright self righteousness of my last post).
I also know he saw it coming as I foolishly served everyone but my own family. Because serving God doesnt mean you set your family aside. In fact you must strengthen them. You must walk it out with them before you walk it out with the world. Remember I said riskiness is not the same as recklessness. It's not your family or the world. Its your family and the world. In fact the legacy left behind from a family commited to Christ cannot be destroyed.
So the point of all this is I understand fear and I understand counting the cost and not running into things rashly. I understand that living out this risky business is no small thing. Its not from some mountain top that I say to take a risk. Its from a valley, more like a pit. Its said in the humbleness that comes from failing miserably both on the homefront and on the front lines. I have yet to walk back into that hard place and face that fear. I still shake. I still dont know how to live a risky live and to protect my family; but I'm starting to see if I had been walking closely with God the risk wouldnt have been as great. Not because their was no danger, but because we would have been equipped to handle the danger. The danger couldnt have stolen our souls. Thats grace for risky business. Grace that says your not walking alone. Grace that says you dont have to have it all figured out. Grace that says you might not get it all right, but if you risk it you want get it all wrong either.