The past hour Ive been floored once again. Been thrown to the ground battered and bruised. Proof that Im still very much human and no amount of good Christian behaviour changes the fact that while here on earth I exist within a body of flesh and emotions. Very ugly, but very thankful that God loves imperfect people. And very aware that for all my good deeds and striving after righteousness I am not nor will I ever be God.
Right now he is having to love imperct me. Because there are things that have been building up for awhile. Little things that creep in and in the midst of my most surrendered days I give them up. However today this imperfect person is struggling to do that. Struggling with hurt and anger. Hurting to the point that I want to shut myself up. Truthfully over it. Over risking and hurting. Over sweet Nicole who takes her place somewhere out of sight. And like I said I know this is very ugly, not very Christian and probably best left to the confines of my heart. Yet this my stuff,. others stuff might be packaged differently, but its there.
If it werent for God loving imperfect people he might hate me for being upset that Im overlooked. He might despise me for wanting to be recognized, valued. He might never forgive me for being over giving it all and getting a pat on the back. He might send me straight to hell for these thoughts that say, "I give up, Im done!!" He might regret that he gave his Son for someone that is sick and tired of being the one to be there, but never fully being appreciated.
Thankfully God was not created in my image or he might give up on me. He might say I give it all and all I get from her is a pat on the divine back. He might complain that he's never fully appreciated despite the fact that he's always there.
Thankfully he's not me.