Life has been about change lately and a lot of confusion. Ive been living with a lot of conflicting feelings, conflicting messages and to be honest some bitterness. Ive been making decisions weekly, but trying to pretend like I been making no decisions at all. Words like, "were just taking a break", all the while knowing that we've already moved on. Trying to hold on to two things at once because with all my heart I want to do the right thing. But if Im honest today, its not really about my fear of doing the wrong thing. I'm angry about things that I see as completely wrong. Angry for having to make these decisions to begin with. Upset and admittedly completely lacking grace with a place I loved and really at a lost about how to move on in love.
On the other side of this is my absolute hatred for this part of myself. The part of myself that wants to be right. The part of myself that wants to be heard. Even hating that God offers me grace big enough to cover all my mess while all the while I'm failing to offer the same. Let me tell you there is nothing worse then when you have to put into practice what you preach and every part of your body is screaming, "I DON'T WANT TOO!!".
Yet what do you do? Make Christ look the fool. Make your faith seem a lie.
Or do you say that prayer, cry out to your God, "I'm angry, I don't know how to move on in love, dont even know if I'm supposed to be moving on to begin with, I don't know what to do with what I'm reading in your word and what I'm seeing all around me, I don't know how to have grace or even if I want too."
Sometimes that's all you can do when your confused, angry, upset. Cry out.
Today I am doing a lot of crying out, knowing full well he will answer.