Since being back from the Haiti I've not had a lot of time to really think about what it all means, but overwhelmingly I know it has changed me. Yet I find myself afraid that I will forget. That I will be one of the many short term missionaries that long term missionaries make fun of.
Could I possibly end up being the one that talks about how changed I am yet lives as if I'm not changed at all?
Truth is I dont know how to step forward or what to do with what I feel. Some days I feel immensely hopeful that all this could be changed. That the body of Christ that I serve with will be the hands and feet. Then other days I feel quite sure that we've completely missed the point of the gospel and that it's hopeless. The difference being some days Im focused on who God is and some days I'm focused who we are, who I am.
Yet the other night I sat on the edge of my tub at 3 in the morning praying that God would do a mighty work in the lives of those children at Tree of Life. And for once in my life I wasnt making it about me. I wasnt asking God to use me in a big way (which I've done before), I was asking him to heal those children, to care for them because I absolutely was broken for them. I guess I didnt care as much as I claimed to all these years. For the first time it wasnt about how this relates to me and I knew in that moment that I had finally seen with the eyes of Jesus. In fact I begged God dont use me if I get in the way of what needs to be done. I prayed forget me, dont fulfill my dreams, dont even act is if I exist; just do this thing. Please!!!
The fact of the matter is its not about us, but as much as we say that we still make it all about us. Its about my mission, my vision, my calling or not being called, my gifts, my talents, how I might be of use; but I'm of no use at all. In fact there is nothing good in me at all that doesnt exist outside of God's grace. And I'm not being negative because whats in me because of him is much greater.
However I started this blog out feeling quite hopeless, quite uncertain, quite worried that I would miss what Im supposed to be doing. Quite honestly making it all about me again and once again focusing my eyes on myself and who I am and what this means to me. When all the while God's begging me to remember who he is and what he can do.
I prayed use me in a big way,
but took for granted what that would mean
Overlooked the selfishness of that request
Overlooked my own pride
I prayed as if I was humble, surrendered
all the while having dreams of my own
Ideas of my own making
Ideas of grandeur disguised as humility
I prayed forget me, don't use me
and at once felt the heart of God
Broken for the lost and hurting
Broken to be worthy of use.