176. seeing my insecurity in a new light....
This one I have to add a little more info too. Today I asked myself what one thing did I think would bring me security? For some its being skinnier, talented, prettier, well off or popular and for me its a mix of things. When envy rears its ugly head in me it tends to be because I percieve someone else having this perfect mix of natural beauty, talent, humor, spirituality and they also happen to be popular or well liked.
Im not envious of someone who is super talented, but not especially pretty. Im not jeolous of someone who is beautiful, but has the personality of a fish. I covet the thing that in truth doesnt exist or that I feel is far from existing in me. I covet the total package. Talented.. check, beautiful... check, interesting... check, great personality... check, good heart... check, popular and well liked... nail in the coffin.
As crazy as it seems I have set myself to a standard I can not achieve. I can not be all things to all people. I can not scale mountains, paint masterpieces, sing perfectly, dress wonderfully, make others laugh, be the center of attention, never make mistakes, have beautiful, flower laced hair with birds sitting on my shoulders, hike without sweating, have a perfect body with creamy skin, read my bible everyday and speak, write, fluently say what needs to be said, be the perfect girl that is the perfect mix of girly girl and tomboy, all the while raising my family. I can not be this dream of a girl that has filled my mind since being a teen and awakened every fear since then.
Of course who could be, but that is the nature of insecurity. We attach ourselves to something that we feel would make everything o.k., because were not o.k. Perhaps thats not that deep or profound, but for me; today I got to see who it is I constantly compare myself too. I got to see the thing that sets my heart a pounding for what it is... imaginary. She is not real. She does not exist and even if I came close to being her I would feel no more secure than I do today, because the only true source of security is Jesus.
And just maybe, in seeing that, I get to see everyone else through a lens of truth and not lies. I get to see others as they are and not how my insecurity has made them... competition. I get to see me as I am and not how my insecurity has made me... never quite good enough. I get to see Jesus in others and the whole, perfect, beautiful, creative, goodness (Jesus) in me.